Don’t quit. Hope

I am currently reading a YouVersion devotional titled “Rediscovering the Hope of Advent.” Today’s reading, focused on hope, which led me to deep reflection.

In August 2015, I was on my knees in the bathroom. Hopeless. I had nothing left. Not a worship melody. Encouragement. A Bible verse. Empty, I cried out, “Lord, please help me, I can't do this anymore.” More words were uttered that day. More prayers. But it was the pauses, the occasional groans that roared from my soul. I was beyond sorrowful. After an intense few minutes, I finally felt peace. A peace that I had that had left me when I vowed, a week prior, never to pray again.

You see, after wrestling with the painful details of the night my daughter passed and all the ways I knew God could have kept breath in her body, I came to the conclusion that prayer was pointless in some circumstances. Yes, God answered some prayers, but because He didn’t answer this one, extending her life, I gave up. I will never forget the conversation I had with my mom that day, as I shared my new plan with her. I would still serve God and go to church, but I wouldn’t pray. I couldn’t pray. Prayer had failed me. The most pressing question I had was, Why do we pray if God is going to do what He wants to do, anyway?

When we experience deep disappointment, we often dissect every conversation, every action, but most importantly, every hope. Our mind works hard to reconcile what God allowed with what our desperate prayers, which didn’t seem to have any power in the circumstance. If you have ever experienced the debilitating pain of grief, heartbreak, failure, or just an unexpected end. In that case, you know, there is a different pain that is associated with what you don’t understand. There are emotions attached to the situation that, at times, are indescribable. Because God is Good and does Good, what do you do when what he allows doesn’t feel good?

I was so disappointed in my theology and what I believe about God. I never expected to lose a child or to experience a breakdown of relationships that would forever change the trajectory of my life. Up to that point, I thought I knew God. I always felt protected from the harm that I saw others navigate. So, losing my daughter unexpectedly in many ways cracked the foundation of an already fragmented view of God. What felt like the end, I learned later, was really the beginning.

What is Hope?

A biblical definition of hope is the “sure and confident expectation of receiving what has been promised us in the future. So we can pull a few words from this understanding, which would be (sure, confident, expectation, promise, future). Bailey’s death stripped me of this; I was totally unsure, unstable, doubtful, disappointed, and unbelieving. I believed in God, but I didn’t believe in the power of prayer for life. The Bible consistently teaches us to hope in the Lord, to Trust In His plan, but my heart couldn’t reconcile hope with the emotional turmoil I was working hard to untangle.

Back to that day in August, once I was done praying and crying, the Lord impressed on my heart to write. Writing was something I never recognized as a gift or a skill. So, why would this be the first task make no sense? But I was desperate to maintain the peace; plus, I sensed purpose, although I didn’t have language for it. As a kid, I loved reading and journaling. I didn't see much value in the words outside the pages. Without a plan or counsel beyond the prompting, I thought I would start this foundation page on Facebook and share my heart, as I do in my journal. I created Bailey's Dash and began sharing my journey: the highs and lows, the ebbs and flows. My grammar was terrible, but no one seemed to mind.

I had no clue what I was doing; all I knew was that whenever I wrote, it felt the same as when I prayed. There was a connection and a release. I would weave in God’s Word and cling to every word as it was the balm that would continue to cover and heal my wounded soul. I quickly noticed that the more I wrote, the more I healed. I'd ask these questions in prayer and during my devotional time, and the words would come as I wrote. There was no desire to be seen, but to be felt, to be understood, but more importantly, I prayed so hard that others would know that there was hope.

You see, God used grief as a tool to refine my faith and restore my hope. The Lord used the breakdown of my life to help me know Him better and to work out the kinks in my theology.

When I cried out in that bathroom, I wasn’t as hopeless as I felt. I knelt to pray because I believed, whether I thought it in the moment or not, that God would meet there. That he would help me. This is the true test of faith. What do you do when you don’t know what to do and everything around you says, "give up"? If you, for one second, pray- then you have hope.

For so long, my prayers were, Lord, fix this or do that. But when you have nothing left, your heart longs for peace. That's it! A rest that trusts that, as you walk in obedience, watering others, by sharing your testimony, and serving those who are weak, God in return will water you. This is the process of discipleship and the sterilization of your expectancy from God. In the end, you will see that God was fighting for you all along.

If you are struggling with hope and don’t feel as though you have confident hope, don’t give up. God may be refining something in you. Journaling led to a ministry where I now get to serve the body of Christ with words woven with Hope. But I had to come to the end of myself, the dreams and desires I had for my life, and believe in God’s plan. God’s plan for me wasn’t to promise me a perfect life, but a life that would be encompassed with His presence to get me through the worst circumstances one can imagine.

This is God’s plan for you as well. Hope in the Lord. He has your back. You may have experienced trouble, but trouble doesn’t always last. The Bible says, "Weeping endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” Joy is coming for you. But you must hope.

Prayer

Lord, I pray for those who need hope. I pray that they may know that you are with them, that you love them, and that you see them. Lord, I pray that the disappointment doesn’t drown out the hope that can be found only in you. Lord, you are faithful, and you know the end from the beginning. Strengthen their heart, and restore a sure and confident expectation of receiving what has been promised us in the future. Restore hope, In Jesus’ name. Amen

'Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted in me? Hope thou in God: For I shall yet praise him For the help of his countenance. 'Psalm 42:5

'For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. 'Psalm 30:5

'For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. ‘Psalm 30:5

Be Encouraged,